I've seen you cry, day after day.
Pairing: Brian and whoever you want.
Summary: You’re not ready to say good-bye to him. Not yet. Not ever.
Brian scares you.
He scares you in the worst possible ways. Ways that makes you wake up in the middle of a night in a sweat, a silent scream being pressed against your pillows.
He scares you to your very being and core.
Brian’s really isn’t a scary person, really, in fact, most people would say Biran’s far from scary, just the opposite. In your opinion, it’s the mixture of green eyes and coy smiles that make him look harmless, but digressing, Brian still scares you. It’s not his simple being that scares you; it’s the way Brian is, the way he’s made up. It’s his actions and words and gestures that scare you.
Sure, on the outside, he looks like some pretty lady boy who likes to flirt and bat his eyes at every walking, living being, but in reality, on the inside, beyond all the glitter and glam, Brian Molko’s as messed up as the next person is.
You’ve seen the real Brian, the Brian away from the press and new and the flash of cameras. You’ve seen him when he’s locked himself in his room, crying and mumbling to you from the other side of the door saying that he can’t stand it anymore and that he wants the world to just stop spinning around that pretty head of his. You’ve seen him angry and bitter at the world, screaming and throwing things, eyes flashing so bright it almost burns you.
You’ve seen the real Brian when he’s clinging to you like you’re his only lifeline in the world. You’ll sit there and stroke his back, tangle your fingers against that soft hair, inhaling the scent of cigarette smoke and alcohol and perfume and makeup, the scent that makes up Brian. You’ll sit there for hours and hours on end because Brian doesn’t let go, because he’s afraid to.
It might not seem intimidating, but to you, there’s nothing scarier then seeing Brian like that, looking hopeless and scared and tired. Because you know Brian and that means that he couldn’t care less what happened to him.
That’s why you always make sure you keep count of how many drinks he’s had and how many times he’s popping some aspirin down his throat because of migraines and headaches. That’s why you always wake up in the middle of the night to make sure Brian’s still sleeping next to you, breathing and calm. You remember waking up once to find his side of the bed empty and that’s when you found him on the bathroom floor, half passed out against the toilet, a bottle of god knows what half empty and scattered against the tiled floor. You vaguely remember screaming (or maybe you just stayed silent, your memory is slightly blurred) but you also remember waking Brian up and making sure he threw up everything in his stomach, even as he was crying and whimpering.
What’s worse is that it certainly wasn’t a first and it wasn’t going to be a last. You’ve lost count of how many times you’ve had to make Brian throw up whatever he’s taken and how many times you’ve had to stop him from drinking too much.
You stopped asking why he does it to himself because you know you’re not going to get a straight answer, because all Brian is going to do is blink those eyes at you and pretend he doesn’t know what you’re saying, because, damnit, Brian didn’t get a degree in acting because he had no talent. So now, you just accept it for whatever reason and just sit there and feel scared and helpless when it comes to knowing what Brian’s going to do next.
Brian scares you, because he’s unpredictable. He could be loving and soft and warm against you one moment, then confused and scared and crying into your neck the next. He’ll turn himself upside down and inside out just because he can. Brian scares you, because on the inside, he’s hell bent on destroying himself and you know that one of these days, he’s going to find out a way to do that.
You can try all you want, make him purge himself clean all you want, but he’s still going to try and it hurts you to think that you’re not enough for him, that whatever amount of love you give him can’t fix that hurt inside of him. You want to be his band-aid, you want to be the one that he can depend on, but you know that it’s never going to be true.
So for now, you just sit there and let him cling to you, inhaling, memorizing that scent of his (cigarettes, alcohol, perfume, make up) dreading that one day when you can’t wake up Brian anymore and you’ll be left alone with nothing but that memory of his scent and his soft warm body pressed against yours.
You’re waiting, counting, dreading for that day.
And when you think about it, all you do is hug Brian close to you and press kisses against his skin and whisper that you love him and wish, wish from the bottom of your heart that he listens to you, because…because…
Ohgod
You love Brian so much
One more day
Just one more day
That’s all you ask for…one more night with Brian.
Because…ohjesuschrist, you can feel your eyes burning already you’re not ready to say good-bye to him.
Not yet.
Not ever.
